


Every New Beginning (Comes from Some Other Beginning's End)

by sockitup



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mpreg, Tampa Bay Lightning, post cup loss sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-18
Updated: 2015-06-18
Packaged: 2018-04-05 00:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4159410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sockitup/pseuds/sockitup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Its a stomach bug. Everyone else on the team was sick during the Rangers series, now Ben’s swallowing Tums like they’re M&Ms and the smell of coffee makes him gag. He just got sick slightly later than them, is all. </p><p>Its awful, and it's making him way more exhausted than is warranted. But that’s all it is. A stomach bug.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every New Beginning (Comes from Some Other Beginning's End)

**Author's Note:**

> Filled for [this prompt](http://thesinbin.dreamwidth.org/1580.html?thread=1882156) on Thesinbin and has been cross-posted there.
> 
> Title is from 'Closing Time' by Semisonic
> 
> I did do some research, but I'm probably wrong about some stuff and I welcome corrections and constructive criticism.

Its a stomach bug. Everyone else on the team was sick during the Rangers series, now Ben’s swallowing Tums like they’re M&Ms and the smell of coffee makes him gag. He just got sick slightly later than them, is all. 

Its awful, and it's making him way more exhausted than is warranted. But that’s all it is. A stomach bug. 

He’s fine during game one, he really is. But then during game two, every time a guy touches him he really feels like he’s getting run over by a truck. He hits the ice, and he feels like someone punched him in the stomach. Its so sudden and it hurts so bad that he stays there for a second. When he gets up, all the exhaustion from playing and from feeling sick hits him all at the same time. 

His vision clouds over for a second, and he holds on to the crossbar for dear life. He takes deep, long breaths until he stops feeling like he’s underwater. But when he lifts his head up, the feeling comes back and he knows that he can’t play. He skates off.

The trainers seem worried about him, probably because they’re used to having to lock player in the quiet room during the playoffs to keep them from going back onto the ice. It makes Ben kind of ashamed of himself honestly, but god. He just needs to lie down so bad. 

He tells that to the trainers, and tries to shift the pads from where they’re rubbing against his chest. It doesn’t seem to settle anyone’s mind. After a few minute, and some water, he feels good enough to hit the ice again. 

But the feeling comes back, and this time when he leaves they insist on drawing blood for testing. Apparently no one trusts him to know what a stomach bug feels like. 

He complains to Stammer about it, when he comes in to say that they won. Ben is so relieved that he doesn’t question it when Stammer comes over and pushes his hair off his forehead. They don’t usually do that kind of thing, those small almost thoughtless comforts, but Stammer’s a touchy guy even when they’re not in bed. They’ve been falling into bed way more during the playoffs, too, with all the adrenaline pumping. And it feels so nice, in contrast to all the parts of him that feel like crap. He pushes his head into Stammer’s hand a little, just so he doesn’t get any ideas about stopping, 

-*-

Johnny tries to take the “love your goalie” thing to heart before game 3 and brings him starbucks. Ben gets one wiff of it and throws up almost immediately. 

They get the win though.

-*-

Game 4 they make him sit. They haven’t gotten the blood tests back, which the doctor seems to think means that Ben has everything until it's proven that he doesn’t. Ben is inclined to think that means he has nothing until proven otherwise, but he doesn’t fight that hard. He wants to rest. He wishes he could just sleep through the whole game, but that would one hundred percent let the team down and there’s no way he’s that sick. 

He can’t be that sick. He just can’t.

He doesn’t feel that sick, anyway. In some ways, he’s starting to feel like he doesn’t know what’s going on in his own body any more. Like he can’t trust himself. It’s a weird, uncomfortable, almost creepy-crawly feeling. 

Ben just wishes he wasn’t throwing the kid to the wolves. He’s feeling kind of protective of Vasy; he seems too young. Ben wishes he could keep him safe for a little longer. 

-*-

In the end Ben lets them all down anyway. 

He spends the plane ride back to Tampa lying on the floor with his head in Stammer’s lap, crying like his heart’s been broken. 

And it's not like Ben has never cried over hockey before. Its not like Ben has never cried about hockey while in Stammer’s arms, even. But this time it feels like he can’t stop, like he doesn’t have control of himself at all.

Above him Stammer is stroking his back, mumbling things about not your fault and goal support and fighting well. Ben can’t make out too many full phrases, but he’s heard the word “crossbar” seven times. 

-*-

Stammer drives Ben home, then invites himself in. They don’t really talk, but Stammer knows the way to the bedroom. Ben is still a little bit of a tear stained mess, and he can’t decide if he wants to be left alone or not. He compromises by going to take another shower. That turns out to be an awful idea.

The spray is too rough on his chest and stomach, even on the lowest setting. He shuts off the water after half a minute, but all of him feels tender to the touch. Even his nipples ache. He leans against the wall and tries to stop feeling so awful, but the smell of his shampoo make him want to throw up. He sits on the floor of the shower miserably and focus on not crying any more.

He’s not really sure how long he’s been on the floor when Stammer knocks on the door, then comes in anyway.

“Are you ok?” Stammer asks.

Ben tries to say that he’s fine, just hates losing and he’s just a little achy is all, but what comes out is, “Everything hurts so much.”

He immediately wishes he hadn’t said anything, because Stammer looks crushed. He doesn’t say anything though, just rubs Ben’s shoulders for a minute. 

“Why don’t you come to bed with me?” he finally asks. 

Ben nods, but doesn’t move. It takes Stammer wrapping a towel around him and slowly pulling him up for Ben to finally move. Eventually, he’s sitting on the bed with Stammer flirting around him, getting him sweatpants, urging him to lie down, then to get under the covers. 

Ben ends up facing Stammer, after he climbs back into the bed. 

“I’m sorry,” Ben says. 

“For what Benny?” Stammer asks.

“I’m sorry that I lost. And that I’m so upset about it. I know that you’re upset too. You shouldn’t have to deal with me.”

Stammer smiles at him, and he looks a little pained, but given the circumstances its actually pretty comforting. He puts an arm around Ben’s waist.

“I’ll be here whenever you need me. Don’t worry about it,” Stammer says. 

Ben isn’t very convinced, but he rolls closer to Stammer anyway. He closes his eyes, because sleep is better than the alternatives at this point. 

Before he nods off completely, he feels Stammer press a kiss to his forehead. Ben pushes a little closer.

-*- 

When Ben wakes up the next morning, he’s feeling more rested. It's nice not to have a game looming on the horizon, although he’s still trying really hard not to think about why that is. 

Stammer’s not in bed. But before Ben has time to think about how he feels about that, Stammer walks in with to-go cartons of food. He seems startled to see Ben blinking up at him. 

“I ordered in some breakfast stuff,” he says. “There’s french toast and eggs and like, a bunch of bacon and stuff. And I noticed that you haven’t been drinking coffee, so I got you some tea.” 

Stammer looks nervous as he hands over the cup. Ben takes it, and stares at it for a minute. 

“Come back down here to eat,” he finally says. 

Stammer does, sitting propped up against the headboard. They pick at the food, eating out of each others tray every so often until it's gone. Ben finds that the tea is actually pretty nice, and it doesn’t make him feel sick at all. He drinks the rest of it, then notices that Stammer is watching him. 

“Thanks for the tea. I liked it,” he says, and Stammer gets what’s probably the happiest smile that Ben’s seen him have since the series started. “I’m glad you stayed over.”

“Yeah? I liked sleeping over like this. Like, not just because we had sex. But to kind of hang out.”

Ben nods, and scoots back a little closer to Stammer as he lies down. Stammer smiles down at him, and Ben distracts himself by playing with Stammer’s sweatpants. 

“We could do this more,” Ben says. “Since it's summer and all that. I could get you a key when I renew my lease if you wanted. And you know, still have sex too.”

Stammer laughs at him, but he scoots down to lie back down with Ben. 

“I’d really like that. Like, really like that. Maybe, since now is the off season, we could try dating for real? Do stuff together, just us and not with the team. And then have sex.”

Ben considers that. He’s never really, explicitly thought about dating Stammer before. They’d been sleeping together almost two years. They weren’t exactly friends yet when they started out. But they are now. They’re really great friends now, and still having great sex. But it's like those were two completely separate things. If the overlap was anything like this, feeling Stammer play with his hair and being lazy in bed, then shit. Ben will take that. 

“Let's date for real,” he says to Stammer. 

Ben gets a nice, wide smile for that. And a kiss. Its a nice way to start a relationship, Ben thinks, making out in bed like this. It might even be nice to take it somewhere, if his phone hadn’t started to ring. 

Its the team doctor. He asks a bunch of questions, random ones it seems, like does his chest feel tender to the touch. Ben answers them all while Stammer listens in, until final Dr. Thomas sighs and tells him the blood tests have come back and could you please come in so we can talk about them.

Stammer looks curious when he hangs up, but he accepts it when Ben says that its trainer stuff. Of course its trainer stuff. The team is in pieces.

“Stay here while I go down, ok?”

“I’ll go with you if you want,” Stammer volunteers.

“Nah, it’ll be fast, they’re just going to tell me about the blood test and then probably give me drugs. I just want you to still be here when I get back.”

Stammer walks him to the door, then kisses him thoroughly. Ben’s lips are still tingling on the way out the door. 

-*-

As it turns out, they aren’t going to give him drugs at all. In fact, he should probably avoid all over the counter pain killers for the next eight months to avoid harming the fetus. 

-*-

Someone is nice enough to send him home with a folder of information, which is good because _I’m pregnant_ is the only thing that Ben has absorbed over the last hour. 

He’s so caught up in trying to wrap his brain around it that he runs a stop sign on the way back. Then he feels guilty right away, because what if he hurts the baby? What if playing the series hurt the baby? What if the cortisone shots hurt the baby?

He’s going to have a baby. 

He pulls into his driveway, takes the keys out of the ignition, and sits there. After a second, hesitantly, he rests his hands on his stomach. Nothing feels different. There’s no bump, the baby’s too little to kick yet, and he can’t even tell where the baby would actually be sitting.

But there’s a baby there. 

-*- 

He goes back inside, and walks right past where Stammer’s looking through his fridge. He thinks that Stammer might have said something, but he doesn’t stop, just goes straight back up to bed. 

He’s lying down and looking at the ceiling when Stammer walks back in. 

“You ok Benny?”

Ben’s not sure if he’s ok or not. 

“What did the blood tests show?”

“A baby.” Ben doesn’t look over, just keeps staring up at the ceiling. 

“Wh-what?’

“I’m pregnant, that’s what the test showed. Five weeks they think, so probably from right after the series with the Canadiens. I-there,” he runs his hand over his stomach, “I’m going to have a baby.”

He stops moving his hands and lets his hands still on top of his stomach. He looks over at Stammer. His eyes are the size of dinner plates and he’s breathing quickly.

“Really? Are they sure?” he asks.

Ben nods. The shock is starting to wear off, and he can remember asking the same thing. He’s far enough along that it's almost definitely not a false positive. He presses his hand down a little. There’s definitely a baby there. 

“Are you… Have you made any…” Stammer starts.

“I’m going to keep it,” Ben says, surprising himself just a little. He knew he was going to have to make some kind of choice. He’ll miss pretty much all of next season if he does this. He’ll probably only get sicker. Apparently the whole smelling coffee then throwing up thing is only going to get worse as it goes on. There’s a phone number in the folder, for ‘if this wasn’t going to work, no judgement at all.’ 

But since he’s heard it, all he can think about is this baby. He can picture holding a tiny baby, smaller than his helmet. He’s looking forward to growing, having a bump that will show everyone that he’s pregnant. He wants the baby to grow faster, so that he can feel it kick. He already feels connected, responsible for this tiny life. He can picture feeling that for the rest of his life. He’s just not sure if he’s allowed to picture Stammer there too.

He pulls his hands up to cover his eyes.

“When you and I...Uh, I haven’t… There hasn’t been… besides you,” Ben takes a deep breath. “So its both of ours. Which, I guess this changes what we said this morning.” 

He squeezes his eyes shut under his hands. He doesn’t want to lose Stammer; he hasn’t even had Stammer yet. He’s trying not to think about what it would be like, having a little piece of Stammer but not Stammer himself. What if the baby looks like Stammer? And Ben is stuck going to practice and seeing him there, not able to kiss him or invite him over or even reference what they used to be. Then going home and feeling the same heart break every time he sees his child. What if they try to split custody? Try to raise the baby together and Ben is caught in this loop of almost having Stammer, almost being a couple. They’ll have done everything, slept together, raised a child together, except been a real couple. He feels like he should say something, like ‘I would understand’ or ‘maybe we can work something out’. But they would be lies.

Before this morning Ben hadn’t seriously thought dating Stammer was a possibility and now the idea of losing him was making him tear up under his hands. 

Ben is barely keeping himself together, which is stupid because Stammer hasn’t said anything either way. Maybe it's the waiting that making him tense, or the possibilities. He tries to focus on breathing for a minute. He has to breath, his body is in charge of this baby now too.

He doesn’t feel the bed dip, so its a surprise when he feels Stammer’s hand on his stomach. He’s tentative, barely pressing down at all. Ben doesn’t do anything for a moment, and Stammer gains some confidence. He strokes up and down like he’s going over the bump that isn’t there yet. 

“You really will be Big Ben Bishop in a couple of months,” Stammer whispers. Ben can’t help the snort that comes out of his mouth, and he can feel rather than see Stammer smile at that. Ben peels one hand off his eyes and drops it to cover Stammer’s on his stomach. 

“I want to be here for that,” Stammer says. Ben turns his head over. “This probably does have to change some stuff. But, I still want to be with you. And have a baby with you. Fuck, that so cool.”

Stammer presses his hand down a little on Ben’s stomach. He rubs a little circle.

“That’s my baby. You’re going to have my baby.” 

Ben reaches up to grab Stammer by the back of the neck, and reel him in for a kiss. Stammer comes down easily, kisses deeply, and has Ben’s lip between his teeth when he pulls away. 

“You’re sure? We’re going to be together, for really, and we’re going to have this baby and do it all together?”

“Yes. Yes for sure,” Stammer says, and hand twitches where it’s resting on Ben’s stomach. Resting over the baby. “We’ll find a house with a yard, and I’ll rub your feet when they swell, and when the baby’s born we’ll find them a tiny jersey, then next year we’ll win the cup.”

Ben sighs contently against Stammer’s mouth.

“I don’t know what my feet are going to do. But my tits have already started, I’d rather you rub them.”

Stammer pushes the hand that had been resting on Ben’s stomach up his body. He leans back in to kiss him again. The shirt pulls across Ben’s chest as Stammer’s hand moves, and he shivers. Then Stammer’s palm brushes over his nipple, and Ben shivers harder. Stammer smiles against Ben’s mouth and he keeps brushing his thumb over where Ben’s nipple is hard and sensitive as he pulls out of the kiss. Ben brings his hand to his stomach, again, obsessed with the fact that he’s growing a life. Stammer drags his hand back down so their hands are touching as they lie flat. 

“If we win next year, we’ll be able to put the baby in the cup,” Ben says. 

Stammer smiles against him, and moves his thumb over Ben’s stomach. 

“I’m happy with this, I’d…. I’d take a baby with you over a cup with you,” Stammer says earnestly. He doesn’t sound completely convinced, but Ben appreciates that he’s saying it. He thinks that, once some time goes by, Stammer might actually believe it.

“That’s just this year,” Ben says. “Next year we’ll have both.” 

“Maybe we can name the baby Stanley,” Stammer says. 

“I think that will just jinx it. Plus, what if its a girl?”

“If its a girl we can name her Connie.”

“Neither of us have won that either! You’re going to jinx us.”

“Its not a jinx. Its a promise,” Stammer shimmies down the bed a little, makes himself level with Ben’s stomach, “We’re going to win you a cup, baby. We’re going to win it just for you, and you’ll be able to sit in it. I promise.” 

Ben huffs at him, but that doesn’t stop the flare of feelings when Stammer presses a kiss onto his stomach. Or the flare of entirely different feelings, when Stammer’s mouth drags lower. He looks down to meet Stammer’s eyes, and sees the same kind of mischief in his eyes that got the two of them into this in the first place.

Ben thinks about it, thinks about how his future with Stammer looks now. He’s got a relationship now, at least the start of one, and the start of a family growing inside of him. Yeah, Ben thinks as he puts his hands in Stammer’s hair, he’ll follow that mischief wherever it takes him.


End file.
